How to Move Through the Guilt of Being Chronically Ill

For the majority of my life, I was what you could call “Type A”. I was organized, efficient, and a hard worker. I was also a chronic people pleaser and overachiever. This all changed when I contracted sepsis 5 years ago, and then later diagnosed with chronic illness. Suddenly, I was in bed for most of the day, unable to move, think, or even speak at times. As a mom of 3, a wife, and a business owner, it felt like everything I had worked so hard for was being put on hold without my permission.

My husband, also working full time, now had to become the head of the household, along with becoming my full-time caretaker. It was a difficult concept to process. My inner dialogue as I moved through the stages of guilt surrounding my husband’s role in my recovery from chronic illness (keep in mind this was a process of unfolding and did not happen overnight) looked something like this:

Me: OMG why do I have to lie down again?! I feel so useless.

Also Me: He just wants me to be healthy.

Me: But he is doing everything!

Also Me: His desire is for me to be happy.

Me: Poor guy did not sign up for this.

Also Me: He signed up for me. All of me.

Me: He doesn’t have room to do his own thing.

Also Me: He gets to make that choice for himself. He gets to ask for other help if he needs it.

Me: It’s not fair he has to experience this illness as well.

Also Me: Our souls contracted to do this life together. We both knew exactly how it would unfold. We are helping each other fulfill our life’s purpose.

Me: He is so tired and run down. I wish I could be a better wife.

Also Me: He can choose to rest. His happiness is not my responsibility. My happiness is my responsibility…

So I chose to be happy. I chose to go within and release the shame I was projecting onto him, so I can stand sovereign in my own experience. And now…?

He is so happy. He is so open. He is so full of energy. He is so resilient. We are so connected. We are more in love than ever before. Oh, and funny enough, I feel better. I have more energy. I can do more around the house…and most importantly, I am PROUD of myself. For healing, for deciding, and for being fully and unabashedly ME, in all my splendor.

Get support if you don’t know where to start with this process. There are so many who have gone before you and mastered this concept, and they’re soaring. Allow them to help you so you have a solid foundation as you heal.